Sources close to President Obama's inner circle say he has listened to the Republican teabaggers, birthers, gun-toting militiamen and town hall criers and that he "hears them loud and clear." After some long and painful reflection, he has decided to give them back their country.

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Because there is so much concern about what the government is going to do to grandma, the first step of winding down the federal government will be to end Medicare and Social Security. According to sources, Republicans and their libertarian allies have convinced Obama that America's seniors can take better care of themselves with the help of their families and the free markets, which are better equipped to provide for their dignity, health, and wellbeing. Ending these wasteful programs will save taxpayers trillions of dollars, and reduced life expectancies will result in huge bonus savings on health care costs.

Regarding the national debt, Obama will file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on behalf of the United States. This will automatically wipe out most of our debt, providing an immediate benefit of approx. $40,000 for every man, woman, and child in America. Holders of T-Bills, Savings Bonds, and the like can get in line with defense contractors, road builders, veterans with pensions, and China to collect whatever pennies on the dollar they can for what they are owed during the restructuring of the Full Faith and Credit of the United States government.

Realizing now that the private sector can do things with greater efficiency for lower cost, President Obama is also going to abolish the U.S. Postal Service. This might be a great time to buy stock in FedEx and UPS, and investors will be able to negotiate better trades without interference by the Securities and Exchange Commission, which will also be abolished.

And speaking of regulation in the financial markets, President Obama will also abolish the Comptroller of the Currency, the Federal Reserve, and the FDIC. While deposits will no longer be insured and banking practices will no longer be regulated, banks will be free to compete with each other for access to liquidity, and free to compete with payday lenders, title loan companies, and check cashing services to offer a broader range of financial services at lower cost to more consumers. Eliminating prohibitions against usury will make it easier than ever to obtain credit, and borrowers will be able to negotiate their own credit and payment terms without interference by government agencies such as the Federal Trade Commission, which will no longer exist under the President's plan.

Abolishing the Federal Trade Commission will also put consumer protection back in the hands of consumers. Bad behavior such as manufacturing and selling defective or hazardous products and unfair trade practices such as telemarketing scams or unapproved charges to credit cards will be punished in the free market by consumers who can simply choose to not do business with bad actors. Similarly, monopolies will be free to flourish, ensuring that only the very best products and services are available to American consumers.

The President's plan will also eliminate the Food and Drug Administration, the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and other agencies that are nothing more than obstacles in the path of hard working corporations trying to bring new products to market more efficiently and at lower cost. Consumers will no longer have to wait for lengthy and expensive clinical trials to obtain the latest pharmaceutical treatments for thinning eyelashes and erectile dysfunction. We will have a steady, reliable supply of food and food-like products free from interference by government inspectors whose only job is to keep them off the market and limit consumer choices.

Eliminating the EPA, the Bureau of Land Management, Department of the Interior, Office of Surface Mining, and other such inefficient bureaucracies will solve America's energy problems and stop the endless, counter-productive debates over energy and environmental policy. Quasi-privatized utilities such as TVA have shown President Obama that less government interference and oversight equals higher operating efficiency and cheap, unlimited energy to power American prosperity. Obama now realizes that eliminating government control over our natural resources will unlock unlimited supplies of coal, oil, natural gas, uranium, and other energy sources, and free up valuable, previously non-productive land for commercial development without interference from government agencies such as the National Park Service.

Other government efficiency and downsizing plans are in the works, such as eliminating the FAA to free America's skies, eliminating the DOT to free America's highways, eliminating the Coast Guard to free America's coastlines, eliminating the FCC to free America's airwaves... the possibilities are endless according to sources in the Obama administration.

The President's close advisors say that these first "baby steps" will eliminate the need for most federal taxes, but there are still some details to be worked out. During the transition, remaining federal services will be offered on a "pay as you go" basis, sold through regional cooperatives that will offer competing products and services from both government and private enterprise. For example, Arizona and Texas will be free to choose from a variety of competitive border protection plans offered by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency, Wackenhut, ADP, and Xe Services (formerly Blackwater).

Sources say the biggest stumbling block so far is what to do with America's military assets. One idea being discussed is to auction them off to the highest state bidder. There are complications with this approach, though. For example, should a landlocked state like Kansas be barred from bidding on a nuclear aircraft carrier or submarine, or should coastal states like Florida be given preference? Another approach is to sell them off to private enterprise. For example, Haliburton might buy the U.S. Army, Lockheed-Martin might buy the U.S. Air Force, and so on. States would then be free to contract with those companies for whatever level of defense they feel they need.

Of course, ending government interference with 2nd Amendment rights will free America's gun-obsessed citizens to form up real militias and live out their ultimate fantasies, possibly eliminating the need for any government-run national defense at all. They could form state or regional cooperatives to purchase their own tanks, fighter jets, and ICBMS on the open market, putting national defense completely under civilian control. And with no Department of State, rogue nations facing the prospect of dealing with roving bands of armed and possibly unstable yahoos instead of Hillary Clinton will think twice before threatening America's interests here or abroad.

After being briefed on the President's plan, Martin P. Wingdale of the Heritage Family Club for Conservative American Strength and Prosperity Foundation said "Finally. This is hope and change we can believe in and that America has been asking for. But we're still waiting for Barrack Hussein Obama to produce a birth certificate."