Please don't shoot anybody in the face once you read this.

Want to be sure that those pesky government auditors and compliance officials go away? Be sure to re-up your contribution to the GOP election campaigns!

President George W. Bush has bestowed on his intelligence czar, John Negroponte, broad authority, in the name of national security, to excuse publicly traded companies from their usual accounting and securities-disclosure obligations.

Sarbanes-Oxley? What's that?

I can't wait to see the next quarterly earnings reports from Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Chevron, and Diebold.

Maybe even Raytheon and Northrup-Grumman can benefit. And now since the phone companies are in bed with the NSA, they can skimp on their audits too.

(Too bad this came too late to save Bush's buddy Ken Lay, huh? Who needs the creative accounting skills of Scott Sullivan and Andy Fastow when you just ... waive their compliance requirements? GENIUS!)

Oh, and of course, the grand-pappy of 'em all, Halliburton. They can't account for billions of borrowed dollars given to them by the government, so let's just wave the unitary executive wand and make the problem disappear!

I have a preview copy of the next Exxon quarterly earnings report, too. Wanna see?

All kidding aside...

In the document, Bush addressed Negroponte, saying: "I hereby assign to you the function of the President under section 13(b)(3)(A) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934, as amended."

A trip to the statute books showed that the amended version of the 1934 act states that "with respect to matters concerning the national security of the United States," the President or the head of an Executive Branch agency may exempt companies from certain critical legal obligations. These obligations include keeping accurate "books, records, and accounts" and maintaining "a system of internal accounting controls sufficient" to ensure the propriety of financial transactions and the preparation of financial statements in compliance with "generally accepted accounting principles."

...it's not very funny.

Bush apparently can now deputize his minions, and vested with "the power of the president," anyone so deputized can exempt publicly-traded companies from keeping straight books.

And since this is all about "national security," expect the SEC to receive the same reception that the FCC got from Deputy Alberto's Department of Justice.