Mon
Aug 31 2015
12:34 pm

Furious about President Obama's interference in a decades-old feud that actually currently pitches Republicans against Republicans, the Ohio GOP Congressional delegation is demanding that Ohio's Cuyahoga Valley National Park be renamed for Alaska's former governor and GOP gadfly, Sarah Palin.

Breaking a decades-old deadlock, the Obama Administration announced today that Mount McKinley in Alaska be renamed Denali, the name originally given North America's highest peak by by local Native Americans. "Denali" means "The Great One" in Athabaskan, the local native language.

The peak had been renamed to be Mt. McKinley by a gold prospector in 1896 in support of Ohio governor William McKinley's bid to become President. The Federal Government made the name change permanent in 1917. Oddly, other than the use of his name, William McKinley had no actual ties to the mountain, and had in fact never set foot in Alaska.

Since 1975, Alaskans have actively sought to restore the Denali name, but have been thwarted by the Ohio Congressional delegation, which used parliamentary procedural maneuvers to prevent the Department of the Interior from exercising its power to change the name. Finally, this week, President Obama endorsed Secretary of Interior Sally Jewell's Secretarial Order to change the name of the mountain back to Denali.

Incensed by Obama's use of executive action to once again break a deadlock created by intentional Congressional inaction, Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) demanded that the Interior Department change the name of Cuyahoga Valley National Park to Palin National Park.

"Cuyahoga" is a Native American term, meaning "crooked river," and currently is used to describe the park, the valley, and the river that flows through it.

Flanked by the entire Ohio GOP delegation, Boehner angrily responded to confused questioning at a press conference outside his Capitol Building Office. Fighting back tears, Boehner assured reporters that this move was not cutting Ohioans' noses off to spite their faces.

Insisting that Obama had overreached his executive powers with Denali, Boehner recognized the uphill battle to overturn the change. In the meantime, he insisted, "It makes perfect logical sense to change Cuyahoga to Palin. McKinley and Palin were both governors, one from Ohio and the other from Alaska. In both cases, neither one has any significant ties to the state whose landmark should bear their name."

"Also," Boehner remarked, "Palin, like McKinley, is a former GOP contender for national office who was once popular but has since become almost inconsequential to the history of our great nation."

"And finally," Boehner said while wiping away a tear and beginning to smile, "Like the original change from Denali to McKinley, changing Cuyahoga to Palin is a great way for Congress and the Federal Government to return to form and stick it to the Indians. We've gotten away from that for too long, and if there's one thing Ohio's GOP, and frankly, the national Republican Party stands for, it's a return to traditional American values."

gonzone's picture

It's so hard to tell what's

It's so hard to tell what's satire and what isn't anymore...

Factchecker's picture

No shit.

No shit.

Kosh III's picture

Ohio angst

I think Ohio should name something IN Ohio McKinley.

Toldedo is an Arabic name and is probably a stealth campaign to force Sharia Law onto Ohio: change the name to city of McKinley.

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