Memo to Dr. McIntyre

Submitted by R. Neal on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 8:46am.

The Knox Co. School Board has narrowly approved the contract for new superintendent Dr. Jim McIntyre, who will start in July.

First, welcome to East Tennessee Dr. McIntyre. Now, for some free friendly advice...

• Do not talk about your salary. In fact, if you can afford to forgo it or donate it to charity, all the better.

• No more rides on private jets. Or chartered planes of any kind. Or first class. Travel coach. On Allegiant. Or drive to Nashville and catch a Southwest flight.

• No BMWs or Mercedes Benz for you. We recommend a Chevy Malibu or something similar. You might get away with a luxury pickup, if it's red. And you disguise it with "W" and "NRA" stickers and yellow "support the troops" ribbons. And a "choose life" license plate.

• Do not be seen at Ruth's Chris or Regas. You will probably have to go to Rothchild's a few times, so that's OK. Do not order wine or alcoholic beverages of any kind, and never pick up the check. Never, ever under any circumstances order lobster.

• For lunch, we recommend Long's Drug Store and Litton's. Sooner or later you will want to get to know the folks who hang out at those places.

• If someone in local government gives you a credit card, cut it up into little pieces at once.

• Patio grilling is a big deal down here in the South, so you will need a grill. Make sure it does not cost $5000. We recommend a more modest $150 Char-Broil from Home Depot.

• Check with Rooms to Go and Target for all your home furnishing needs. Avoid Braden's.

• Avoid M.S. Mc Clellan and John H. Daniels. We recommend J.C. Penney as your tailor. You can also try Belk's, but don't flaunt it. Poly blends only. No wool or silk. You will need all new neckties from Hound Dog's, which has a nice, licensed selection in orange.

• You may be invited to join Club Le Conte and/or Cherokee Country Club. We recommend the Rotary Club and Whittle Springs Golf Course. If you insist on golfing. You should probably take up bowling.

• You may hear about Blackberry Farm. You do not want to go there. There is a nice Day's Inn and lots to do in Pigeon Forge if you need a weekend getaway. You may also hear something about Sea Ray and the Vol Navy. We recommend a bass boat and camping at Point 19. Remember to bring plenty of beer and ammunition.

• If you get phone messages from anyone named Lumpy, Scooby, Grumpy, or Timmy the Hutch, do not return the calls. And pay no attention to any black helicopters hovering over your property.

• Someone will probably give you one of these. Wear it proudly.

And if you think we're kidding, see this. And this.

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Another tip, learn to speak

Submitted by bizgrrl on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 9:01am.

Excellent advice. You are now forewarned.

Another tip, learn to speak East Tennessee. They're very wary of you'ns that aren't from around here.

Learn to speak East Tennessee

Submitted by Rachel on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 12:05pm.

And that includes such tricky place names as Dante, Blount, Vonore, and Sevier.

Pal , Murrville, & Corington

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 1:07pm.

Rachel, be sure to add Pal (Powell), Murrville (Maryville), and Corington (Corryton) to your list.

The spouse came home the

Submitted by Rachel on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 1:21pm.

The spouse came home the other day talking about Corington. I was proud of him.

However, he still can't get the Pal thing right, even after 13 years in Knoxville.

Ah, but the true test...

Submitted by RayCapps on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 2:34pm.

It has been claimed that no one but a native can properly pronounce Gallaher View Drive. I am one and can say it, but darned if I can explain to anyone else just how it's done.

As a rule, I'm fairly well satisfied when the fuhrr-uh-ners can say Blount as blunt, Lenoir City as Lenore City, and Sevier as severe.

To get a South Knox Countian going, all you have to do is pronounce Doyle with the "oy" sound as in boy. There's not a word in the dictionary that rhymes with its actual pronunciation. It's as bad as refering to the Fountain City Lake as a duck pond.

The hardest thing I've tried to do, however, is explain to the good wife - a native of South Carolina - how and why it is that Maynardville Highway, Broadway, Henley, and Chapman Highway are all one and the same road. She also has trouble with Dutchtown and Dutch Valley and Walker Springs and Walker Blvd being on opposite sides of the county from one another. And to tell her something is on Emory Road is to produce a cussing fit.

With all the great respect due your fine list...

Submitted by RayCapps on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 11:41am.

You neglected to suggest Wright's Cafeteria among your important lunch destinations. There's also a certain grocery store on Chapman Highway where one should take care to buy their staple goods, regardless of the distances involved, in order to partake of the parking lot discussions frequently held there. It is, of course, lamentable Dr McIntyre will not be permitted to visit Blackberry Farms and partake of their truly magnificent fried chicken lunch. If he asks nicely, however, I might be persuaded to bring him some back on my next visit that-a-way. It reheats surprisingly well.

Thanks for the reminder

Submitted by R. Neal on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 11:51am.

Thanks for the reminder about Wright's. I wasn't sure about the Bi-Lo protocol.

I can help with the golf thing, too....

Submitted by RayCapps on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 12:02pm.

The course at Holston Hills was designed by Donald Ross and has been largely unchanged over the years. It's routinely rated as one of the 100 best courses in the U.S. and easily the best in East Tennessee. He can play a better course for a whole lot less money and with far less baggage out East than at Cherokee.

When I first came to

Submitted by metulj on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 7:38pm.

When I first came to Knoxville, I was still an avid golfer. The company I worked for had regular golf outings. One of the owners brought me along to Cherokee. At the time I was a 9 to 10 handicap. It was something I was pretty proud of. I shot 5 over par at Cherokee, cold. Talk about a member's ego course. A couple of weeks later, we went out to Holston Hills. I shot a 97. On every single hole I had to play out of the sand, which was the weakest part of my game. I only play twice a year now and a 97 doesn't bother me so much, but I'd love to play that course again. It's a masterpiece.

True happiness is knowing you are a hypocrite. -- Ivor Cutler

Amber's

Submitted by scottfrith on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 2:46pm.

He should eat Breakfast at Amber's in Halls and Fountain City and just causally talk to folks. He'll learn a great deal about how folks feel at the grassroots level.

You meant

Submitted by Lisa Starbuck on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 6:50pm.

Haws and Fount-un City, right?

Folks, East Tennessee does

Submitted by Shannon on Fri, 2008/04/11 - 4:33am.

Folks, East Tennessee does not have a corner on the weird place pronunciation market. When I lived in Savannah, there was a town (probably still is) across the river in South Carolina with the name Beaufort. The natives descended upon me with great fury when I pronounced it "Bow-fort," equal emphasis on both syllables. Come to find out it was "Bew-fert," emphasis on Bew.

And it's not just the South, as I'm sure McIntyre can tell us. My grandfather was a Massachusetts transplant. Worcester is "Wooster," among other interesting Northern place names.

I grew up in Halls, and I've never heard it pronounced without the "l" sound on the end. Take it in the direction of two syllables, but don't quite get there, and you've got it right. "Hawels."

I think "Hawels" is closer

Submitted by Pam Strickland on Fri, 2008/04/11 - 7:46am.

I think "Hawels" is closer to what I hear all the time. Or, maybe "Hawls"

Arkansas had there fair share of weird ones. I lived there 20 years and got confused regularly. There were two streets in LR that you always could tell if the speaker was a native or not.

I visited Boston 30 years ago. I was on the T, and missed my stop because I didn't understand the announcement.

Pam Strickland

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." ~Kurt Vonnegut

Yup, there's a street in

Submitted by Rachel on Fri, 2008/04/11 - 12:19pm.

Yup, there's a street in Portland, Oregon called Glison. It's pronounced Gleason.

Arkansas

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Fri, 2008/04/11 - 9:41pm.

"Arkansas had there fair share of weird ones."

Yeah, McIntyre coulda done worse. He coulda landed in Toad Suck Ferry, Arkansas.

I have actually been through

Submitted by R. Neal on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 6:06am.

I have actually been through Toad Suck Ferry, on my way to Conway.

"Wors on her teeth"

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 7:46am.

My dad grew up in the general area. On one of the last trips I ever made to visit my grandmother there, some of the townfolk walked gravel roads to her house while we were visiting. They had come to see me, because they had heard Joe Kent's girl had "wors on her teeth (that's "wires," as in orthodontic appliances)."

(I think I've mentioned previously my grandfather's extensive collection of plaques from McCormick-Schilling, which hung in a back corner of his general store, around the pot belly stove? His sales of vanilla extract in this dry county were outstanding.)

Vitalis in a pinch

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 8:30am.

Oh...and when Pappaw couldn't keep the vanilla extract in stock, sales of Vitalis hair tonic were brisk.

(Feel free to take notes, for your Creative Writing forays; I keep a file of disjointed memories, myself.)

I don't remember the "Ferry"

Submitted by Pam Strickland on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 12:14pm.

I don't remember the "Ferry" part on the name. But they do have "Toad Suck Days" every spring. It's a community outside of Conway.

My father's family is from the Arkansas Delta. My mother's from Harlan County, Kentucky. Country all over the place. A friend who isn't keen on this Southern thing, used to say that I wore my Southernness on my sleeve. And I say, yes, proudly.

Pam Strickland

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." ~Kurt Vonnegut

And another distinctly Southern preference...

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 1:15pm.

Pam, I don't know if you were acquainted years ago with our mutual friend Kay (you'd like her, Bizzy--she's from Memphis, with a voice that drips honey), back when she first began restoring her house?

She had just one certain plan for its renovation, and that was that the "sleeping porches" had to be restored. They were, and they're sublime.

(I seem to be on a roll here. Gone to search my hard drive for a wonderful tribute to Southern porches...)

I've only known her for

Submitted by Pam Strickland on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 6:10pm.

I've only known her for about four years, but I've been to that house. It's amazing. And, yes, she drips honey just saying hello.

Pam Strickland

"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." ~Kurt Vonnegut

Speaking English sure ain't what we all do...

Submitted by Carole Borges on Sun, 2008/04/13 - 7:36am.

When I first moved to Boston, I was constantly misprouncing names everyone knew--like Worchester. Now how can anyone get Wister out of that? The accent there sounded very British to me. It was weird hearing women washing floors talking about "haf" slips or at the butcher counter ordering "haf" a pound of bologna. It made me feel like a real rube. No, I didn't own a "haf" slip. I had came straight from the Florida panhandle with a wardrobe that consisted of three bathing suits, one cotton dress and a fake silver-fur "Burgana" coat, at least I think it was called that. Cokes were called "sodas" in Boston. To me that meant an ice cream dish with a cherry on top. In Chicago, Cokes were dubbed "pop". Milk shakes were odd in Boston because they didn't have any ice cream in them, just milk and syrup. And sub sandwiches were called grinders or hoagies.

Then again, I remember moving South from Chicago as a kid and the accent there was very strange to my ears too. In Carrabelle, Florida, our boat was tied up at a dock behind a motel. The man who owned it, Noah Snow, had such a thick strong southern accent we couldn't understand a word he said. I think the term then was that he spoke "like a shit salesman with a mouth full of samples". My boyfriend (husband to be) and I would pass him every morning, and the kindly gentleman would mumble some totally incomprehensible phrase. One morning Joe answered by smiling broadly and saying very sweetly and politely, "Good morning, Mr. Shithead". Mr. Snow was obviously pleased because it became a ritual. Every morning we'd exchange phrases, and he always smiled broadly back. Being teenagers we could hardly stand from laughing so hard.

Personally, I love all the different accents and dialects and customs and I still enjoy listening to foriegners speaking their native languages. With the McDonaldization of the planet much that is sweet and wonderful is lost.

Avoid Club Le Conte like the

Submitted by Anonymously Nine (not verified) on Thu, 2008/04/10 - 7:47pm.

Avoid Club Le Conte like the plague. Promise a school for 4th and Gill whether they need one or not. Then never build it. Blame County Commission.

Promise ever year a new school for the Carter folks. Then blame the lack of actual construction on whoever is the County Mayor.

You need some local power phrases. Consult the Great Schools Partnership website. Steal whatever you need as no one as ever seen this website.

Go to a different church each Sunday. You should be able to stretch this out for at least a year. Of course in the end, you must attend the big Baptist Church in Farragut. There really isn't a choice.

Last but not least, hire Brian Hornback as a school consultant. Give him tremendous amounts of work to do that will never result in anything. Seriously, this would be funny.

I think that is all you need. Oh, I almost forgot, say good to great as much as possible.

its says the 200k + contract

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 8:45am.

its says the 200k + contract is a 4 year contract, so that works out to only 55k per year....

Thank you Shannon

Submitted by Bizzy on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 8:59am.

I really do get tired of people making fun of the way we speak in East Tennessee. In the course of my day at work I speak to people from all over the country and the southern, western and mid-western voices have a smooth, melodious sound to them while the northeastern voices sound abrasive and literally hurt my ears. Especially those from the Bronx who sound like they are talking with a mouth full of rocks.

Full Circle

Submitted by Tamara Shepherd on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 10:13am.

Please don't misunderstand my comments here, Bizzy.

Actually, in the couple of hours since I imposed this "Ozarks of Arkansas" bent on the conversation, I took some time out to pull that file I mentioned and sit on the back porch adding anecdotes.

I remember a time (in my late teens and twenties) when I felt great disdain and embarrassment for my rural Arkansas lineage on Dad's side.

Today, I can still look back on memorires like the ones I share here with amusement and detached curiousity, of course. In my late-middle age, though, I find I've rounded out that "file" I keep, both physically and spiritually, to paint a more complete picture of "my people."

They also bore many personal attributes that earned my understanding and, if it doesn't confound you, my respect.

(If ever I really should get around to organizing these scraps into a story, I would aim for a story like Richard Peck's Newbery Award winning novel for young adults, A Year Down Yonder. Did you ever read it?)

IMHO, we're all speaking

Submitted by Shannon on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 4:11pm.

IMHO, we're all speaking dialects of British English anyway. None are more or less correct than any others.

You shouldn't let the fun

Submitted by bizgrrl on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 10:19am.

You shouldn't let the fun bother you. Check out the Wandering Hillbilly for great writings (from New York) in the East Tennessee vernacular.

Did you see where a small

Submitted by redmondkr on Sat, 2008/04/12 - 3:58pm.

Did you see where a small town in NC passed an ordinance a few years back banning upholstered furniture from front porches?

They damn near had a riot and had to back off.

I was looking through some of my old family pictures the other day and found one from the forties where Mom had taken Dad for his first visit to her folks up in Bridgeport in Cocke County (just east of Newport) and there on a small kitchen porch was the Maytag. Even though it wasn't on the front porch, it was still visible from the front of the house.

Dr. McIntyre, if you really want to fit in, get a Maytag for your front porch.

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