once there were stores downtown. ;-)

Russ, thanks.

Gneralized noncommittal all-seasonal saluations to you and yours.

The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless.

There used to be stores downtown?

City Renews Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Tradition
Theme of this year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig: Commerce

From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, TN - Once again, the festive yellow and orange lights of the tow trucks cast their heavenly glow against Gay Street's skyline as the Fete of the Towing of the Cars® launched the traditional Lighting of Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival®. The lights festival in turn kicks of the 31st annual Unspecific, Inoffensive, Yet Semi-Christmasy Holiday Celebration in the City®.

This year's nondenominational, nonjudgmental seasonal shindig's theme is "Commerce, and the Cartoon Christmas Characters Used to Drive It"™. Featured characters of this year's theme include Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer®, Frosty the Snowman®, and Charlie Brown, the Lovable Loser Who Learns the True Meaning of Christmas®. Previous festival themes have included "White Lights/Black Friday," "Silver and Gold All Season Long," "Tax Recapture and Release," "Shamelessly Commercial Christmas Jingles" and "Secular Humanism."

The ceremony will be solemnly capped off with a display of red, white and blue fireworks as Rudolf, Frosty and Charlie Brown throw the switch lighting up a 38-inch tall deciduous shrubbery in Krutch Park. The decision to use a size-challenged shrub is part of an overall municipal effort to make the holidays more inclusive of diverse foliage amid concerns that different sizes and types of trees and other flora might feel slighted by the celebration's long-running focus on large evergreens.

Although the streets were packed with onlookers for the Fete of the Towing of the Cars, Michael Haynes, a long-time enthusiast of the event, said the celebration had lost some of its luster in recent years.

"They give the vehicleans too much warning these days," explained Haynes. "Used to be, the city'd put up 'Temporary no parking, 6 p.m.-9 p.m.' signs, then start the towing of the cars at 4:30 just for fun. The looks on the faces of the frantic shoppers running out of the stores: priceless. But now, they start towing when they say they will. Back when I was a lad, I bet the tow truck companies would capture two, three hundred vehicles. They've made it too sporting, too humane now. They've robbed the festival of all its surprise and joy."

Bill Lyons, the city's Senior Director of Communicatin' the Christmas Spirit, faced tough questions from the media over the controversial decision to include blue lights in the traditional Generic White Lights in Cone Formations Festival. The justification previously put forth for using only white lights in the event was that white light includes the entire spectrum, so all colors of light were equally represented by the white. Lyons was asked if there were a special significance to the inclusion of the blue lights.

"No," Lyons said. "There is no special significance to the blue."

But the press persisted.

"Was there pressure to have colors other than white represented in the lights this year?" asked the collected media representatives.

"We just thought we'd add a little color," said Lyons.

"Oh, come on. You have to have a reason. There must be a meaning behind it," insisted the media.

"No," said Lyons.

"Was it to show support for the Kentucky Wildcats in tomorrow's game against the Tennessee Vols?" asked the media.

"No," answered Lyons.

"Was it in tribute to Elvis's 'Blue Christmas'?" asked the media.

"You know what, I'm going to let Mickey Mallonee, the city's Coordinator of Rationalizing Arcane Special Events Decisions, take over here," said Lyons.

"Good grief, no, it's not a tribute to Elvis," said Mallonee...

Lights look great. They are blue and white.

I heard a rumor that Mrs. Claus is related to a KnoxViews participant.