May 4 2014
09:07 am

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam leaned against a brick wall under a red light in a seedy part of Nashville. Slowly he sauntered up to a global corporation as it approached him.

“Hey there, you big powerful corporation. You looking for a date, er, state?” he propositioned.

“Uh, maybe,” murmured the corporation.

“I know the Supreme Court says you have First Amendment rights,” said Haslam as he slipped his hand into the corporation’s jacket. “But I know you have other needs as well.”

The corporation froze motionless as Haslam flicked his tongue near the corporate ear. “Trust me, baby,” Haslam cooed. “I am so business friendly.”

“How friendly?” stammered the corporation.

“Tax breaks, sweetie,” responded Haslam, “as many as you need. We always can tax the poor when they buy stuff, like food. So, don’t you worry your pretty board of directors about taxes.”

As Haslam ran his fingers through the corporation’s hair, the corporation hesitated and finally said, “Okay, but I do need an educated work force.”

“No problem, sugar,” smiled Haslam. “We’ve got a great plan here in Tennessee. We’re going to use vouchers to drain money away from public schools, giving it to private schools like the ones we use in my family.”

“How will that get me my workforce?” asked the confused corporation.

“Simple, sweet thing,” assured Haslam. “You pick all the managers and executives you need from our elite private schools.”

“Yeah, then what?” asked the corporation.

“Then you can dip into our public schools for all the unskilled labor you may need,” explained Haslam. “They’ll be plenty of them to drive down wages.”

“That’s good,” said the corporation, “but I also don’t like paying benefits.”

“That’s fine,” declared Haslam. “Don’t provide your low-income workers with health coverage. I don’t want to do that either.”

“I’m still not sure,” said the corporation. “I also hate unions.”

“Me too, sugar,” exclaimed Haslam. “You know,” Haslam said batting his eyelashes, “My friend Bob Corker hates unions just as much as I do. Here’s a picture of Bob. Doesn’t he look cute in the spiked heels and bullwhip?”

“Wow,” gulped the corporation. “He looks like he could be rough.”

“You should have seen our corporate three-way with Volkswagen,” beamed Haslam. “We were much more anti-union that even the corporation itself.”

“Well, I don’t think Volkswagen liked how you teased with that money then pulled it away. I’ve still got to think about it,” said the corporation.

Undeterred, Haslam kept up the pitch. “A powerful corporation like you knows the ways of the world. Some of us were just born to be on top.”

“On top?” asked the corporation.

“Or any other place you want,” corrected Haslam.

“Well, I’m tempted,” admitted the corporation. “I saw some awfully pretty scenery as I drove here today.”

“True,” said Haslam. “And feel free to blow the tops off those mountains to get at the coal underneath.”

“Oh, Bill, you do tease me so,” said the corporation. “I’m sending all my dirtiest friends your way.”

SnM's picture

How sweet. Twu wuv.

How sweet. Twu wuv.

MurrayK's picture


Funny. Most of his arrows hit the mark.

I think Haslam has actually lowered taxes on food by about 1%. As Marie Antoinette said: let them eat cake.

Joe328's picture

Grocery Tax

TN lowered the tax on groceries from %5.5 to %5.25, that's %1/4 percent drop. That should save most families about $1 to $2 a month.

Average Guy's picture


Haslam reserves Antoinette's cake for Tennessee's teachers.

bizgrrl's picture

Too funny! However, it feels

Too funny! However, it feels like reality.

gonzone's picture

That's some mighty fine snark

That's some mighty fine snark there!

RedHead's picture

Let them eat cake

This phrase is more appropriately attributed to Jean-Jacques Rousseau, not Marie Antoinette.

Mary Wilson's picture

PuuurrrFect, my friend.

And also his promise to that they didn't have to charge tax for...I think a year...that big deal has ended. Wonder how much business Amazon has lost since January 1 when it had to start charging tax. Yep, they did fall for Bill's scheme...wonder about the coal mine deal up in Claiborne County? TDEC is just waitin' for the Gov'nah to sign on to that one. To heck with them mountain tops, right Bill?

amybroyles's picture


You should get an award for this one, too. I felt like I needed to take a shower after I read it.

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