If you conduct a google search for the phrase “university twit,” what pops up is a photo of me in a T-shirt and mortarboard. It’s a long story involving a fellow Knox County commissioner and the day he called me a university twit, but the incident gives me some “street cred” to write about the difficult task of using one’s intelligence without being dismissed as a wonk (Michael Dukakis), nerd (Al Gore), or elitist (John Kerry).

Thanks to the mythologies built up around Ronald Reagan, Republicans get a pass on these things. All they have to do is munch on some pork rinds, don a cowboy hat, or raise a beer and the matter is settled. If your first reaction is a retort about their prep schools, Ivy League legacy admissions, wealthy contributors, or millionaire-coddling policies, you’ve disqualified yourself from this debate.

More after the break.

Policy and to no small degree reality do not feed the beast of 24/7 election chattering. News organizations and Fox have persuaded themselves that political promises are toilet tissue, and policies bend into pretzels when the unknowable events of governing begin. Thus, they rationalize character as king. This may open the door to personal attacks (ad hominem to my twit friends) masquerading as argument, but in the word of Dick Cheney, “So?”

Any Democratic candidate must create an appeal that stresses: arising from modest means, benefiting from hard work, and remembering where you came from. The result must be a continuously rebalanced mix of confidence, optimism, self-deprecating humor, and comfort with others and yourself. Your “Everyday Joe” points must vastly outnumber any potential deductions. Let’s take my life to show how the scoring works.

I was born and raised in a working-class neighborhood in Pittsburgh, worked and could afford in-state tuition, graduating from a fine university, Penn State. Plus three. Went on to get a masters and then a Ph.D., and made a career in journalism and as a university professor. Subtract four.

Recreation and sports get me back into positive numbers. I bowl well and often. I even bring my own bag, ball, and shoes. The bag and shoes are from K-Mart. The ball came from a yard sale and fits me perfectly. Strike! I’ve recaptured those lost points and then some. Sadly only thrice have I bowled a score in excess of 200. That’s okay, but I lose a point for using thrice.

I golf, but usually par-three courses with the kid matched with me in the Big Brothers program. Normally golf (elite) and par three (wimp) would lose points, but being a “Big” blunts the golf issue to a wash. I don’t hunt, but never have pretended I do or made an issue with those who do, so maybe a small point loss there.

Food and drink overall help me score. My sister and mother will verify my meat/potato/gravy childhood. However, I’ve grown and now I’m quite fond of the cuisine of nearly every swing ethnic group. I drink beer (plus) and wine (minus), though not often and neither to excess (plus). My wife cooks healthy, delicious, nearly gourmet meals (minus), but I still sneak some Cheetos now and again (plus).

In the words of Lao Tzu, “To lead the people, walk behind them.” The quote may be apocryphal, but the smart candidate not only would heed the advice but also would never use the words Lao Tzu or apocryphal in a speech. It would be okay to quote Satchel Paige, Yogi Berra, or Harry Truman, and all had plenty to say worth quoting.

In short, talk about your family as “being not poor, just broke” and they’ll forgive you for editing the law review. Senator Barack Obama you must know by now that I’m directing this message to you. It’s not only good advice, it’s also special pleading.

By any count I’m easily a dozen points ahead in the “smart-but-regular-guy” balancing. I will accept your call to run as vice president.

Think of the advantages for a second. I was born in Pennsylvania. I have campaigned for federal office, specifically Congress in West Texas in 1998. Though a progressive Democrat, I managed to defeat a Republican incumbent and win office in East Tennessee. I know media and how the game is played, but I also celebrate how you’ve trumped traditional campaigns with an inspiring movement. Heck, I chaired the Tennessee Second Congressional District caucus where we selected delegates for you.

I beat back the twit thing with humor and T-shirts. Meanwhile, the guy who hurled that remark is still known as Lumpy. I give a good speech, travel well, and can keep quiet when reflection is needed. Let’s talk over some burgers and beers.